Saturday, September 20, 2003
It's time to turn off the computer and read a book when...
1. You wake up at four in the morning to go to the bathroom and stop to check your E-mail on the way back to bed.
2. You turn off the computer and get this awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
3. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free internet access.
4. You laugh at people with 14.4 Kb/s modems.
5. You start using smileys :-) in your snail mail.
6. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a wordprocessor.com
7. You can't correspond with your mother...she doesn't have a modem.
8. When your E-mail box shows no new messages, and you feel really depressed.
9. You don't know the gender of your three closest friends because they have neutral screen names.
10. When actually talking to people, you find yourself wiggling your fingers as if you were still typing.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
posted by at 7:33 PM
Things You Don't Want To Hear During Brain Surgery
If the doctors start talking like this, you had better start praying really hard... These were thought up by me and my good friend Lauren.
1. Anything. Hopefully they put you under before cutting open your head.
2. Hey, look what happens when you touch this part!
3. Now, tell me one more time what this scalpel thing is...
4. The killer brain suckers are coming! The killer brain suckers are coming! Cover your heads, quick!
5. Alrighty, let's go at this puppy like a Thanksgiving turkey!
7. Hey, it kinda looks like PlayDough! I wonder if it squishes the same...
8. All I could find is a butter knife, so we'll really have to hack away at this one.
9. We're trying to conserve electricity. Get me a hammer and a chisel.
10. Has anyone seen the instruction booklet?
11. Did the patient sign up for the deluxe package or the economy job?
12. Don't worry, I've seen this done dozens of times on ER.
13. Please deposit $25,000 for the next 3 minutes
14. This could just be the wine talking, but...
15. ...so I said, "I'm not really a surgeon, I just know how to have fun with sharp objects!"
16. I've been living off of coffee for the last 24 hours, and my hands are shaking like a California aftershock! Let's get to it!
17. If this operation fails, I got dibs on the leftover parts!
18. Hey, I think I left the scalpel in there... ah, they'll never notice.
19. Whoops, there go those piano lessons...
20. What? I thought this was pudding!
posted by at 7:31 PM
Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?
Einstein: because time and space are relative, we can say that the road actually crossed under the chicken through relative time dilation at a velocity near the speed of light...
Timothy Leary: because the Establishment forced the chicken to cross the road against it's own free will to maintain their dictatorship over us in what they call society...
Colonel Sanders: I let one get away?
French philosopher: why did the chicken cross the road? Why do any of us cross the road? Is the road a metaphor for life, or is it a representation of the darkness that is our travel through eternity?...
Bill Gates: with my new Chicken 98©, not only can you cross the information super highway, but with the new Point-and-Cluck system you can also track all incoming traffic, including gas tankers...
Sigmund Freud: it is obvious that the chicken is compelled to cross the road because it's inner child is afflicted with a deep, post-psychoanalytical road-crossing anxiety that set in because it's parents instilled a fear of the road in the chicken at an early age because of their own failure to traverse the asphalt, and deprived it of attention during adolescence...
Richard Simmons: That chicken is in pain; because it doesn't love itself. When the chicken learns to love who it is, then it can cross the road to recovery.
Ronald McDonald: Did somebody say McChicken Sandwich?
Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz: I don't think we're at the Vegetarian Hut any more... hey look, it's Colonel Sanders! If I Only Had Some Drumsticks
Bill Clinton: It depends on your definition of "cross"and "road"...
Cher: What?! Why the &*#% are you askin' me? Get the %*# outta here, you !@#$%? !
Captain Picard: We are currently entering diplomatic talks with the chicken entity to ascertain why it is crossing the road and to negotiate a cease-fire treaty...
posted by at 7:30 PM
Points To Ponder
1. Once bread becomes toast, it can never be bread again...
2. Who closes the door once the bus driver gets out?
3. Fish don't smell under water.
4. Do Lipton employees take coffee brakes?
5. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald people?
6. How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live in them?
7. STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.
8. Ever wonder what speed lightening would go at if it didn't zigzag?
9. If Fed Ex and UPS merged, they could be Fed UP.
10. Why do 24 hour convenience stores have locks on their doors?
11. If it's true that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, is the way to his stomach through his heart?
12. If peaches have fuzz on them, are they really fruit, or are they mammals?
13. Why does the word "monosyllabic"have more than one syllable?
14. Why isn't the word "phonetically"spelled phonetically?
15. A jewler sells watches, while a jailer watches cells.
16. How do "don't walk on the grass" signs get there?
17. Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"?
18. Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
19. Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
20. Why is it that night falls and day breaks?
21. Why is the third hand on a watch called the second hand?
22. Why is lemon juice made with artificial ingredients and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
23. Are part-time band leaders called semi-conductors?
25. Can you buy an entire chess set at a pawn shop?
25. Did Noah keep the bees in archives?
26. Daylight savings time- who is saving it and where is he keeping it?
27. Why do they call them buildings when they're already built? Shouldn't they be called "builts"?
28. Why do they call them pants when there's only one of them? You only wear one pant at a time.
29. What if there were no hypothetical situations?
30. If something is made of a cotton/rayon blend, can we say it's made of crayon?
31. If flies didn't have wings, would they be called walks?
32. Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
posted by at 7:28 PM
For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used agains you.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
Nothing is fool-proof to a talented fool.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
My mind is like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
Change is inevitable except from vending machines.
Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.
posted by at 5:37 PM
Really funny headlines
Include Your Children when Baking Cookies
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
Eye Drops Off Shelf
Teachers Strike Idle Kids
Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Stolen Painting Found by Tree
Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter
Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Deer Kill 17,000
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
taken from: http://www.glosas.net/int/humor/bloopers.htm
posted by at 5:36 PM
Top 45 Oxy Morons
45. Act naturally
44. Found missing
43. Resident alien
42. Advanced BASIC
41. Genuine imitation
40. Airline food
39. Good grief
38. Same difference
37. Almost exactly
36. Government organization
35. Sanitary landfill
34. Alone together
33. Legally drunk
32. Silent scream
31. Living dead
30. Small crowd
29. Business ethics
28. Soft rock
27. Butt Head
26. Military Intelligence
25. Software documentation
24. New classic
23. Sweet sorrow
21. "Now, then ..."
20. Synthetic natural gas
19. Passive aggression
18. Taped live
17. Clearly misunderstood
16. Peace force
15. Extinct Life
14. Temporary tax increase
13. Computer jock
12. Plastic glasses
11. Terribly pleased
10. Computer security
9. Political science
8. Tight slacks
7. Definite maybe
6. Pretty ugly
5. Twelve-ounce pound cake
4. Diet ice cream
3. Working vacation
2. Exact estimate
1. Microsoft Works
posted by at 5:35 PM
Dumb Packaging Labels
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
1. On Sears hairdryer:
"Do not use while sleeping."
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair)
2. On a bag of Fritos:
"You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside."
(Evidently, the shoplifter special)
3. On a bar of Dial soap:
"Directions: Use like regular soap."
(And that would be how. . . ?)
4. On some Swanson frozen dinners:
"Serving suggestions: Defrost."
(But it's *just* a suggestion)
5. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box):
"Do not turn upside down."
(Oops, too late!)
6. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
"Product will be hot after heating."
(As night follows the day . . . .)
7. On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
"Do not iron clothes on body."
(But wouldn't this save even more time?)
8. On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine:
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
9. On Nytol Sleep Aid:
"Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(One would hope)
10. On most brands of Christmas lights:
"For indoor or outdoor use only."
(As opposed to what?)
11. On a Japanese food processor:
"Not to be used for the other use."
(I gotta admit, I'm curious.)
12. On Sainsbury's peanuts:
"Warning: Contains nuts."
13. On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: Fly Delta.)
14. On a child's Superman costume:
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company, I blame parents for this one.)
15. On a Swedish chain saw:
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Was there a chance of this happening somewhere?...Good grief)
16. On a bottle of Palmolive Dishwashing liquid:
"Do not use on food."
(Hey, Mom, we're out of syrup! It's OK honey just grab the Palmolive!
17. On a tube of Crest Toothpaste:
"If swallowed contact poison control."
(Oh please have you ever heard about someone dying from swallowing a little toothpaste?)
18. On a bottle of ALL laundry detergent:
"Remove clothing before distributing in washing machine."
(Hey no more swimming in the washing machine kids)
posted by at 5:34 PM
Quotes from Actual Medical Records
*By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
*Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
*On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.
*The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.
*The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
*Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
*Healthy-appearing decrepit sixty-nine-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
*The patient refused an autopsy.
*The patient has no past history of suicides.
*The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
*Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
*The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant, with only a forty-pound weight gain in the past three days.
*She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
*The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
*She is numb from her toes down.
*The skin was moist and dry.
*Patient was alert and unresponsive.
*When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
posted by at 5:34 PM